


The Sun in Your Eyes

by horizon_stars



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Dead Bianca, Depressed Nico, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, I'm suffering as I'm writing this, It's a bit short sorry, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mutual Pining, Recovery, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, There are not many characters other than Solangelo, These two boys are in love okay, Will is not a doctor but he's still pretty much healing Nico's sorry soul, i'm actually crying, if you look close enough - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11320437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horizon_stars/pseuds/horizon_stars
Summary: Nico di Angelo wanted to die, but his encounter with Will Solace changed everything. If there's light at the end of the dark alley that is his life, it's the sun in his eyes./ "Even if it's just for now, I'm glad I could love you as much as I want to."/





	1. At The End of The World

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone who has stumbled upon this page! This is my first work on Solangelo as well as my first work on this site, and I hope you will like this little mess of a story.
> 
> Further warning though: I'm not a native English speaker, so this work might contain several grammatical errors or words repetition or wrong idioms and I'm SO sorry for that, but I tried my best not to do any of those :) Maybe you're wondering why I don't just write in my native language. Well. Despite all the factors in which I am lacking, I still find myself more able to express myself through words in English than in my native language; probably because I read too many novels and fanfictions in English :)
> 
> Also, this first chapter is a bit short, but I promise the next ones will be longer! Love you all :)

>  

Nico felt the air leaving his lungs.

He can't breathe. He can't breathe and he wanted to cry.

The cold night wind pierced holes on his pale, fragile body as he ran with all his might --through the overcrowded sidewalks and a seemingly endless number of streetlights. His warm breath floated in the chilly autumn air as he drew each gasp.

_He felt lost and surrounded._

Everything blends into one entity of chaos around him; people's murmurs, the dim lamp lights, the fast-moving traffic, the dampness of his body and hair. His vision blurred every now and then and he can't be sure if it's because of the tears or because of his exhaustion from running too far and too long without stopping.

In between short breaths and hazy mind, all he could think is to go as far away from this cursed city as possible. He wanted to run away until everything made sense again. He wanted to run away until this painful beating of his heart stopped torturing him.

As he smashed himself in between sweaty, oily suburbs people in an overly packed train, trying to gasp for air, Nico felt _it_ again. An ugly, foreign emotion building up from inside of him, making him physically feel as if there's water in his lungs, sand in his throat; choking him, suffocating him.

He wanted to vomit.

The train started moving after a while and Nico felt a tad bit of relief. However, he's still a being of despair and fear as the memory starts slipping in again, numbing his senses. Nico wanted --he truly, deeply wanted to believe that it was all just a dream. But he still can remember everything --clear as crystal in his mind. The look on that pig's face. The shape of the knife against his own trembling grip. The madder red blood that stained his hands and jeans. Bianca's weak breathing on the way to the hospital. Her cold, pale hands against Nico's shaky ones. Her lifeless body under the white sheets.

Bianca.

She's gone.

_Gone, gone, gone._ He still couldn’t comprehend the overwhelming weight of the word.

The slight swaying of the train made him feel so nauseous he might faint. Nico closed his eyes.

He refused to believe it when they told him a few days ago. 

_What happened to her? He asked. Why is she not breathing? He asked. She’s gone, they answered._

His dearest sister is dead. His only family is dead. Gone, _forever_.

It's too terrifying. It's too unreal. Nico wanted to stop thinking about it. He wanted to stop thinking at all.

 

 

***

 

 

It felt like forever before the train finally stopped, but when it did, Nico got down with everyone else, lungs still burning from the lack of air in the overcrowded cubicle. The night gets colder as he stood there, like a lost, stray black cat with only a layer of shirt covering his thin figure; wet eyes hidden behind thick strands of his raven black hair.

There's no time for any regrets now, he knew that. He jumped in the next train that stopped.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Nico do not know exactly how many trains he had jumped in and out of, but the two last ones had nobody in it but himself. At 2:45 past midnight all the trains stopped working and Nico found himself aimlessly walking out of the foreign station of some foreign city he had managed to get himself into. He shivered again as the bone-freezing wind blew his way.

He honestly had no idea where he is and what he's going to do now. He'd gotten as far away from that cursed city as he could, but _what now? Where to go now?_ It's not like he had a place anywhere. Ever since their parents' death, Bianca had been his only home, the only one he could come back to. Where will he turn to now? She's gone. Everything that he ever had is gone.

Plus, he's a fugitive of a murder case.

Oh, forget it, actually. Did he really have to go somewhere? What's the point of it all? What's the point of existing at all now?

Nico stared up at the clear night sky, spread like a never-ending blanket of darkness above him. The skyline is dotted by softly twinkling stars.

_What's the point of being here if he could be up there with Bianca?_

Nico inhaled deeply as he kept on walking, trying to make his heartbeat even as he absorbs the scenery of the world around him. This place he ends up in is a totally different one from the one he used to live in with Bianca. This city almost looks dead at this hour; there's not even a single car in its small roads and bridges. The houses and apartment buildings are not grand in size, most are rusty-old and dilapidated, with lots of wild grasses and trees in between. Its streets cracked of age. Nico can faintly smell a bit of salt in the night wind. Could this be a small harbor city? He had never seen the sea before. Maybe once, when he's still a child, when his parents' still alive --he doesn't remember.

It will be great, though, if he had lived here with Bianca. It will be much calmer.

He stared up at the stars again.

_Maybe up there is calmer still._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

_His and Bianca's parents died when he was 7. Nico had not had many memories with them. He remembered how his father didn't talk a lot. He remembered the way his mother stroked his hair softly. But he could not recall their faces._

_They died in a brutal car accident._

_Nico remembered how he and Bianca were brought to a hospital. He remembered her, who was 11 at the time, being called into a room. He remembered how she came out of the room, hugged him and cried. "Mommy and daddy are gone," she said. Nico cried, too, then._

_They were kids and had no relatives to help them. Bianca managed to get her hands on some money that their parents saved in the cabinets, but who knows what happened to the other objects of inheritance.  Their parents’ bank accounts, the house, the papers—everything was suddenly gone and they are left with almost nothing._

_They lived with a friend of their mother's after that. It didn't take long before the woman finally admitted that she didn't have enough money to support the two of them. They were soon sent to an orphanage. They went to a local school, which Nico hated because he always gets bullied there for being a 'goth, skinny orphan with sister complex'._

_When Bianca's 18, she had to get out of the orphanage because she had reached the age limit. Nico followed her. They managed to contract a small apartment room in the suburbs and Bianca worked for several part-time jobs to support the two of them and to make sure Nico could still go to school._

_Through all that, Bianca's the only one who'd tell him that they'll be okay. That somehow, everything will be alright._

_Nico believed her._

_He had smiled because of her. He had been strong because of her. He is alive because of her._

_But now she's gone._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Nico remembered finding an unused five-story building. He remembered climbing its porous stairs. He remembered standing out in the open air, eyes fixed to the ground beneath him. He remembered seeing the ocean from afar, its water black as the night sky.

Maybe in another life, he'd live in a calm harbor city just like this one with Bianca, and maybe even his parents. He would love to see the vastness of the ocean every day. What will it feel like?

_Freedom, maybe_.

He remembered falling, letting the wind consumes the weight of his trembling body. Then everything fades into pitch black, the darkest he'd ever seen, and he let himself drowns in it.

_He'll see Bianca now._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 


	2. Flowers on The Land of Nightmares

 

The frozen tedium now feels like bliss.

Nico cannot remember the details of his death. He knew it had hurt, though. It hurt so damn much. He had felt his bones, breaking under his skin as his body hit the hard concrete. But now, he only drowns in a quiet, forgiving dullness. He can't feel his body. It's almost as if he's just a weak, barely existing consciousness floating in the void. _Is he in heaven?_

It's at that moment when he thought of  _heaven_  that he saw her—Bianca, dearest Bianca with her dark, stormy eyes and warm touches that had always managed to soothe him away of his worries. He had come here to stay with her. He had come to make sure they can be together again. And now she's here to take him away; to somewhere safe, a place where everything will once again make sense, a place where once again they’ll be alright.

But now she's standing too far away. Why is she so far away? He wanted to run to her embrace, but he can barely even move.

" _Bianca!_ " He tried to scream. " _Bianca, it's me!_ "

She didn't answer. She didn't even look his way. Maybe she hadn’t heard him. " _I've come to see you!_ " He tried to reach his hand now as he screamed louder, but her figure started to fade away into a ray of light right in front of his longing gaze.

In despair, he started hearing other voices.

 _Nico_ , it says.  _Nico, I will never leave your side._

He turned to see where the voice came from.

Then all at once, the pain, like lightning, struck his entire body.

 

 

***

 

 

Nico screams as he opened his eyes.

 

_Too much light._

 

_Too loud._

  
_Hurts. Everything hurts._

 

He wasn't sure what he's expecting to see, but when he found himself face to face with blue, blue eyes and a flock of light blond hair against a white background, he screamed again. Something beside him is beeping furiously. He tried moving his body up but his limbs and torso feel like they're made of bricks.  His mouth tried to mutter coherent words but his pain-induced brain won't allow him.

"Calm down please, calm down. Don't move too much. I'll call the doctor for you." The owner of the blue eyes stuttered. Nico is still unable to process the situation, but the boy already raced out of the room, leaving him alone with the sound of the crazy beating of his heart that can be heard from the machine beside his bed. He gasped for air. His mind is still heavily muddled with unconsciousness and confusion, but the beeping sounds started to alert him.

 _No. He could still recall it._  He jumped from that building and he's pretty sure he'd died. He remembered the moment he closed his eyes and thought that it'll all be over.  _Finally over._  But this place, reeking of medicines and antibiotics, is sure as hell not heaven. He fell back on the hard bedding, still panting as he hastily averted his gaze to the ceiling and around the room. White walls, linoleum floor… and this smell? This is...  _This is a hospital._

But he had decided to die. He had decided to end it all. He didn't even ask for a better ending. He only wanted to end the suffering. Why is he saved? Why can't he choose for himself?

A mixture of despair, anger, and hate burns him. Something is banging and thumping inside of his head, like nails being hammered to his skull. The wounds under the bandages felt hot and piercing.

 _He is hurt. He is hurt by everything. The_  feeling he had tried to hold on for so long finally burst in the form of tears streaming unforgivingly down his pale cheeks.

_This is it. He had lost it all._

Nico is still sobbing, and the machine is still beeping furiously, when the door shoots open and the boy from before storms in, a middle-aged man in a doctor's suit following closely behind him. "Are you feeling alright? Can you talk?" The middle aged doctor made his way beside his bed.

Nico wanted to scream. He wanted to hit him. He wanted to beat down everyone and everything. But he can barely move. "Go away!" He groaned hoarsely in between sobs. "Why the hell am I even here... why-" his voice broke, and he couldn't continue. He cried and cried. About his life. About Bianca. About the hopelessness of everything that had happened and the fact that he can't do anything about any of it.

The doctor looks like he's about to say something, but the blond boy gestured to stop him. Then he stepped forward and did the most unimaginable thing. Nico felt warm hands enveloping his own cold, shaky one as the boy spoke. "You'll be alright." He said. "You'll be alright, I promise."

Nico lifted his gaze to look back into the dim glow of the boy's blue eyes. It felt like staring at a clear blue sky at midday summer. His whole body trembled as he drew each heavy, gasping sobs.

_Alright? That's not true. He'll not be alright. That's what Bianca always told him and she left him still._

"It may hurt now, but..." the boy whispered again as his long fingers continue to caress Nico's bandaged hand, "You'll be fine."

Nico wanted to stop crying, but the words are too familiar-- so familiar he could almost listen to his sister's voice, saying the exact same thing right beside his ear. _H_ _e'll be alright. He'll be fine._

His cries only grew louder now, echoing in the small ward room. And perhaps as well as in the blond boy's heart.

 

 

***

 

 

The occurrences that happened after that are a blur in Nico's memory.

Some nurses and doctors came to check up on him; checking his pulse and the dilation of his pupils, taking samples of his blood, taking notes on their boards, asking him a few questions. Nico had let them do what they wanted, though he answered none of their questions. He let them inject whatever they want into his body, let them change his bandages, open his clothes and wash him clean. They briefed him on his condition, how long has he been here (three weeks) and whatever the hell is the rest of it; he had not paid enough attention.

He doesn't care, really. He couldn’t. All he remembered is that he cried again that night.

Bianca had always told him that the two of them must not cry, no matter what happened. Nico had obeyed her. He had never cried since their parents' death. He had tried to be strong for so long. He had tried to be strong for his sister, who was doing all she could to save both of them from drowning.  But now, in the darkness of the small, suffocating hospital room, it suddenly feels so easy to let the tears fall carelessly down his cold cheek.

In the nauseating darkness, he thought about what would happen next. Will they find him here? He doesn't even know where this place is. Maybe they won't find him. Or maybe they will.  _Whatever_. If they did, he can always kill himself again. He can always found a sharp blade somewhere, and when no one's watching, he could just slit it, slowly and deeply through his wrist, and let the blood flow mercifully down his fingers. Then he'll finally—

"Why weren't you sleeping?"

The low voice jerked Nico away from his decadent thoughts. He had not heard the sound of the door being opened, but there stood the blond boy from before, arms crossed as he eyed Nico carefully in the dark of the room.

"Not your business." Nico snapped. He felt the angriness slowly pooling up in him again. He had only seen the boy today –this afternoon—yet he already hated him. He could see it from his demeanor –the way he carries himself so carelessly, so effortlessly. _This boy did not have a single thing to worry about in this world._ He did not understand a thing about what Nico had to gone through yet he could utter such pretty words as  _'you'll be alright_ ' and  _'you should be sleeping_ '.

 _Who the hell does he think he is?_  Nico doesn't care that he's just trying to be nice. He hated him still.

"If you can't sleep, I could ask the nurse to bring some sleep pills." The blond uttered again, eyes still fixed on Nico.

Nico closed his eyes. "Leave me."

The silence then falls for a moment. Nico could not see but he knew the boy is still standing there, watching him. But eventually, much to his relief, the door is slammed shut again, along with the boy's voice muttering, softly, "See you tomorrow, then."

When Nico opened his eyes again, he is already gone.

_See you tomorrow? Please. He did not want to be in another tomorrows._

 

 

***

 

 

Nico tried, hard, not to fall asleep.

He had never been much of a sleeper, but his dislike for sleep has gotten significantly worse since his sister's death. Ever since  _that day_ , his sleep is always haunted by terrible,  _terrible_  nightmares. These never-ending visions –about blood, muffled screams, the guy he had killed, and his dead sister—have been chasing him relentlessly since they burned Bianca's body. The images that appear before him are so vivid and alive, as if not a scene from a dream. He can't be rid of it; it comes back every single time.

However, that night, perhaps because of his still-weak body or some medicine the nurses had given him before, he lost it and gave up as his consciousness fall into a deep sleep.

This time, again, he dreamed of the guy he had killed. The spurt of his rusty-red blood against Nico's face, his dead eyes hanging loosely in its socket.  In this dream, the corpse of the guy had come back to life and tried to strangle Nico, the way he had strangled Bianca.

He woke up, shuddering and trying to gasp for air. The dark of the room overwhelmed him and the wounds under the bandages started to throb, like sharp edges of blades gritting under his skin. He moaned in pain. He's sick of this. _Dead sick of this._

Before, when he was still in that cold room in jail, he had vomited when he woke up from the nightmares –the very first nights of it. Now, however, he had gotten used to it. The dreams only woke him up feeling a mixture of guilt, fear, and other terrible emotions. Mostly loneliness. But it can't hurt him physically. Not anymore.

He stared at the white ceiling as he tried his best to stop the tears at the corner of his eyes from falling. Why is he saved? Is there a reason? He doesn't believe so. This is not bliss. This is a punishment.

 

 

***

 

 

After a while, he finally tried to close his eyes again, but the images creeps back on him. It stayed on the corner of his mind, the back of his eyelids.

He thought he could be freed from it when he dies. But he doesn't die.  _He doesn't die._

 

 

***

 

 

He woke up the next morning feeling sad and empty. Sleeping drained him out of his last remaining bit of soul and energy. He felt exceptionally tired and out of breath, as if there’s not enough oxygen in the room.

A nurse came to give him his breakfast. Porridge. He left it there.

 

 

***

 

 

That day and every day after that is a combination worry and fear. The white walls and the alcohol-smelling air are crushing him into a ball of his own messy thoughts.

He could not go anywhere aside from his own hospital bed because _damn it, he could not walk._ They told him he'll need more time before he can start practicing to walk again, but not now. _Goddamn it all._ He felt crippled and helpless and miserable.

And even though he had said what he said that night, that weird blond boy from before never come to see him again. He must have forgotten. Not like Nico cared.

The nurses talks nicely to him. He is fed and even bathed. But every day, he had to face a constant feeling of anxiety –a feeling as if there's a whole ocean up in the sky above, ready to pour down any moment to destroy the stillness of this scenery. He knew he did not deserve to be here now. He knew he did not deserve to be anywhere now. That's why, sometimes he wished to hear it; the siren of the police car, followed by some sharp gentlemen coming to take him away, announcing to everyone that all this time, they had been taking care of a criminal –a murderer. It's terrifying, but he wanted to face this fate as soon as possible. He wanted to be done with all that, then he could try going to Bianca's place again. That's all Nico thought about as he lie there, not being able to do a single thing on his own.

 

 

***

 

 

 

But days by days passed and no one came.

The nurses never tried to talk to him anymore. They started to treat him as if he is some object for research; gently and cautious, but without any emotions.

Nico felt himself distancing away from his surroundings—everyday further away into the dark depths of his own lonely mind. He lay there every single day, sad and alone, as his world narrowed and narrowed to the soft wind that blows through the white curtains, the needles in his veins, the folds of his blanket, the fabric that felt rough over his scarred skin.

He wished Bianca was here. If she was here, she would hold him and bring him home. She’ll make him, once again,  _believe_.

_He wondered if dying would be less lonely._

 

 

***

 

 

"How are you feeling?"

The low voice and the sound of the opened door jolted him awake.

His eyes, still heavy with sleep, looked up and are surprised to see the blond boy from many days before strolling in with a plate of food in his hand. Nico had almost forgotten about him.

"Why don't you eat something? Your body needs it." The boy said. He put the plate with toast and butter on the nightstand.

Nico did not answer. It's usually the nurses who brought him his breakfasts. He did not understand what this boy wanted from him. He had said before that he would come, but why? What does he want? Nico did not even know who he was.

"I'm Will, by the way. Will Solace." The boy said as he opened the curtain and sat comfortably on the small stool by the window, as if to answer Nico's restrained question.

He frowned as he eyed the other boy. He still looks the same as the last time he had seen him. And that was around... what? A week ago? A week and a half? He weren't counting. The boy has light blond hair and blue eyes. Typical. He looks just a bit older than Nico.

"Stares much?" The boy frowned back. "That's rude, you know. Why don't you tell me your name?"

"What do you want?" Nico inquired sharply. He really can't make out this boy's objective. It is quite certain that he is not a hospital staff, since he's not wearing any sort of uniform. Plus he still looks too young to be one.  _So why is he here?_

"Just wanting to be friends with you, I guess." Answered the boy, smiling mischievously. "We're of the same age, aren't we? I'm eighteen. You?"

 _Seventeen_ , Nico answered in his mind. But he stayed silent. He had never celebrated his birthdays. If not for Bianca never forgetting to congratulate him on getting older, he would not even thought of counting his age.

"I see," the boy chuckled softly, showing a line of white teeth, "You don't talk much."

"Go away if you just want to talk." Nico said, his expression flat. That's the only thing he could thought of saying, because yeah, the boy's right— he doesn't talk much. And he doesn't plan to talk much to some weirdo he just met, who barged uninvited to his hospital room.

The boy smiled again. It is easy to tell that he is someone who smiles and laughs a lot. Nico personally never liked people who are.

"It's okay though, if you don't want to talk." The boy shrugged. "Just let me be here."

 _No_ , Nico wanted to say.  _No, just leave me alone._

But he didn't say it.  _He didn't say anything._

He closes his eyes again as he remembered the lonely days he had spend alone in this small, suffocating hospital room. He thought of the soft wind that blows through the window day by day by day. The needles in his veins, the fold of his bed sheets. He thought of his loneliness.

He opened his eyes again to see the boy –Will was his name, wasn't it?—meeting his gaze. The blue of his eyes gleamed gently, the light strands of his hair reflecting the morning light shining through the window.

Nico had wanted to say 'no' then. _But he didn't._

 

 

***

 

 

Much to Nico's dismay, Will Solace come back the day after that, and the days after that still. He is the one who brings Nico's foods now. Nico ate them, sometimes, when Will leaves. Other times he just left the food there without touching it.

Nico had not talked much with him, off course. But that didn't stop Will from rambling by himself. He talked about the weather. He talked about the people in the hospital. He talked about Nico's condition. And off course, he kept asking Nico for his name. Nico hadn't told him yet. And he didn't plan to.

"Still won't tell me your name today, huh." Will Solace raised an eyebrow as he allowed himself to sit on the small chair by the window, as he always did these last few days.

Nico closed his eyes, trying not to pay attention. He hates Will –right, he had said that before—but not only because he's chirpy and annoying, but also because Nico's too embarrassed by the fact that he cried like a baby in front of him before. He is also actually kind of regretting his choice to let him stay on the first day he had come, because  _damn he’s so loud._

Nico still asked Will to leave him alone whenever he could. But he soon learn to understand the older boy's stubbornness. Nico could not tell him what to do.

"Eat your food." Will gestured to the bowl in the nightstand beside his bed. "People spend their time making it for you."

Nico creased his eyebrows. "I hadn't asked them to."

Will sighed. He then moved his chair to the side of Nico's bed and took a spoonful from the bowl. "Here, just open your mouth." He insisted as he put forth the spoon in his hand, full of warm vegetable soup."You'll not recover if you don't eat."

"I do not want to recover." Nico answered, his own two raven-black eyes fixed on Will's blue ones. Right. If Will is going to be stubborn, he could show him that he's far better at it.

"You will recover." Will did not shift."I promise it."

Will's words made a dreadful feeling started gathering in Nico. _Promises? To_ _hell_   _with promises._  He hated hearing that word. He hated Will for throwing it away as if it was nothing. Nico could feel the hot liquid forming slowly at the corner of his eyes,  _again_. Gosh, he wanted to break something. "Stop making pointless promises and go away already!" He half-screamed as he slap the spoon out of Will's hand. The hot soup spilled on Will's face, on his shirt and jeans. The spoon rattled on the linoleum floor.

"I said go away." Nico repeated. "I don't like you."

Will did not move nor say anything. The look on the older boy's face killed something in Nico then, but he tried not to pay attention to the overwhelming feeling of guilt _._

 _Good_ , Nico thought,  _now he'll leave for good._

But Will only paused there, long minutes, before he finally got up and put the plate on the small drawer beside the bed. "I'll take a new spoon for you." He said as he calmly walked out of the room, but he stopped to look back. "I will not give up on you, just remember that."

Nico watched closely as he leaves. When the door is closed shut behind Will's back, he loudly exhales. Nico did not know why he was even holding his breath.

He also had not known what people meant when they said  _"I will not give up on you."_  But when Will said that, something thumped,  _hard_ , in his chest.

Is he glad that Will is not mad at him? Perhaps he is. Perhaps he is so lonely and miserable that he needs someone to be here with him.

But it was not a possibility. It was the truth. He was lonely and miserable. Annoying as he is, Will Solace had made him forgot to think about his misery. His suicidal thoughts. His anxiety. His constant need to remind himself to stop repeating the scene of his sister's death in his mind. His bright demeanor is so much the opposite of the insides of Nico's mind, it almost made Nico forget he was suffering.

_But off course, he will never tell Will Solace any of this._

 

 

***

 

 

Will is not mad at him.

He came back with a new spoon and talk as if nothing had happened.

He come back again the next day, and the days after that.

Nico wanted to stop thinking about Will's word, but the feeling –like flowers in his lungs—came back whenever Will smiles.

 

 

***

 

 

 


	3. Golden Lights, Fleeting Thoughts

 

It's been about a month now since Nico regained his consciousness.

The nightmares are still making him sleepless, waking him in the middle of the night feeling sad and tired and out of breath. The images are getting worse, too. He no longer dreamed about the guy who killed his sister. Instead, he dreamed of himself as the guy, choking his own sister as the life drains out of her stormy eyes. He had never been able to sleep again after he had woken up from such nightmares.

During his mornings and afternoons, he thought about the possibilities. What would happen to him next? What would he do if the police found him? What would he do if they _never_ found him? However, no matter how hard he tried to think and think and think of it, he never found the answers. _Right_. Because he had no idea about his life. He only ever had ideas about his death.

He is not sure why the police never found him. He stopped expecting them to come, though. He stopped imagining the sound of the sirens coming through the window of his room. He even stopped imagining how he'll come back to that damp and cold jail room. Perhaps he liked it better here. But off course, he'll eventually leave this place. He’s not sure where he’s going next. Maybe the sea. Maybe another tall building.

_Maybe heaven._

 

 

 

_***_

 

 

 

Will had been gone for about two, three days, now. Not like Nico cared. If anything, he is rather glad. Only, this small room somehow feels a bit smaller with him alone in it.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Will is coming back here tomorrow." A man's voice. Nico looked up to see the doctor who often checks up on him, standing by the door. He had not knocked.

"I don't know why you think you should tell me that." Irritated, Nico muttered under his breath.

"He's my son, you know." The man said as he walk in, closing the door behind him.

Nico raised an eyebrow. That explains why Will spends a whole lot of time in this hospital. "Good for him."

The man chuckled. "My name is Apollo by the way. You could just call me that. Or whatever you want, really. I don’t mind."

Under the slightest ray of sunlight in the room, Nico noted that his hair is the color of his son's hair, but his eyes are a calmer shade of blue. _Son and father alike,_ he thought. _Blonde and desperately loud._ Nico sighed. He tried his best to avoid eye contact with the doctor. "Well, doctor Apollo, sir, I think you must know that I didn't feel thankful at all for you saving me."

"I know." Apollo smiled as he answered without a pause. "You were trying to kill yourself, weren't you?"

The words made Nico want to shrink in his bed. Even though it is the truth, he had not known that it would feel this embarrassing to let others know. It made him felt bare; so weak and helpless. Yes, he wanted to kill himself. He still wants to. He wants to so badly, but now he's trapped here _._ He fell silent.

"You were brought here in the middle of the night. A few night guards had found your body. You were covered in blood and bruises and your bones are all breaking and dislocated. We managed to conduct an emergency operation to save your vital organs, but it's still a miracle that you survived." He stopped to read the change of expression in Nico's face, before continuing, "We knew from your wounds that you fell from heights. But there's no sign of you being drunk, so we assumed that you were attempting suicide."

"So what if I am?" Nico interrupted the man's flow of words, but Apollo did not stop.

"When Will knew about this, he... well, he cried, you know? That boy has a soft heart. He waited by your side all day and all night, until you're awake."

The words made Nico finally look in Apollo’s direction. He can feel it again: the hard thump, deep in his chest and spreading all the way to his fuzzy head. _Thank god that stupid beeping machine is not here anymore._ Nico exhaled. He can feel his face getting warmer. "But he doesn't even know me." He finally managed to croak.

The man shrugged and half smiled. "What I'm saying is, why don't you guys get along? Might as well made new friends while you're laying there doing nothing."

Apollo had said the words easily, and he left after saying that. But the loud thump stayed. The image of Will's smile, his cerulean blue eyes – _Nico suddenly can't get rid of it._

_He waited days and night until you're awake._

_"I will not give up on you."_

Nico had not understood these suffocating feelings that started building up in him. He had tried to deny it for weeks, now. He can't anymore. He knew he's feeling _something._

It's the feeling that he got when Will smiles. It's what he felt when Will said those words days ago before he went to pick up another spoon. It's what he's feeling now, after what Apollo told him. But this feeling is so unfamiliar and foreign to him, that he doesn't know what to name it, or how to describe it. It feels almost like when Bianca told him their parents are gone, or when she told him that she gave up her university to be able to work to support the both of them. It's the kind of feeling that clogs in his throat and making him breathless, as if he's about to cry.

But this new feeling is not quite like that. It's softer. Kinder. And somehow, it is all wrapped in something else Nico could not recognize.

It’s too much.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

Like his father had said, Will came back the next morning, with his chirpy chitchats and contagious smile. "Missing me, gloomy boy?" He asked as he put the plate on the drawer.

"No." Nico mumbled as he tried to hold in the bursting feeling in his chest. _Weird._

"Eat your food, then."

"Don't feel like it."

Will let out a heavy sigh. "Do you hate me that much?"

"Yeah."

"What can I do for you to make you eat that food?" Will persisted, head slightly tilted.

Nico looked to his side –to Will— and noted that the way Will's light blonde hair framed his face is rather quite nice. He quickly snapped out of the thought. "But why?” He inquired. “You don't even know me. Why do you care?" He had not said it angrily this time. He’d gone past that. Now, he really is expecting an answer from Will.

He flinched a little as Will's gaze locked with his own, the blue of his eyes seems to dig into Nico's black ones, seeking to unravel all of its secrets, all of its misery. "Do I need a reason?” He chuckled softly. “I just wanted to be next to you."

Nico stayed silent as he averted his gaze, trying to make his heartbeat even. "I hate people like you." He finally managed to say.

"I know." Will said, smiling his guileless smile.

 _This boy is unbelievable._ Nico opened his mouth to make another remarks, but Will precedes him.

"ActualIy, you know what? I won't disturb you anymore. Sorry I’ve been annoying. I won't even talk, okay? Just, please, let me stay here." He said quickly as he got up, moved his chair to the side of the window, and sat there.

Nico wanted to say something, but he can’t seem to find any. So there sat Will Solace, his gaze fixed to the colors of autumn outside the window, and there lay Nico as he watched him and watched him and didn't dare to break the silence –the invisible wall between them.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Nico officially gave up on making Will leave him alone for that day, so he let the boy stayed there all day, as the sunlight danced in his golden strands of hair. He had to admit, Will is quite good looking. But off course this is totally out of context.

As he already promised, Will stayed silent for the rest of the day. He talks to the nurses who came to check on Nico's condition and bring him his lunch, but other than that, he just sat there.

  
More than once, for a fraction of a second, Nico will catch Will looking at him, making his heart skipped a beat. Why is Will looking at him with such eyes? It felt weird, but something keep driving him to look back to the older boy –and when he saw that the blue of Will's eyes are already staring back into his black ones, a warm feeling will creep up on him again.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

At the end of the afternoon, Nico finally gave in to the calming silence. The last shine of the dusk filled the room and he let the drowsiness consumes him as he fell into a deep sleep.

The last thing he saw was Will –outlined by the orange light from the warm afternoon outside, sitting by the window with his solemn blue eyes and twilight in his hair. In the last bit of his consciousness, Nico had hoped to dream of the beautiful sight.

But in his dream this time, Nico is again holding a knife. And Bianca is again screaming in front of him.

Nico wanted to throw the knife away to the corner of the room and hold her, but in this dream, he is once again his sister's murderer.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

He woke up, sweaty and panting. This dream had been so vivid, he could still hear his sister's scream, could still feel the splatter of her blood against his skin. _When will this torture end?_

He tried to look around to distract himself from the thought, but the room is already dark. It's cold, as it always is. How long has he been sleeping? Right as he's about to pull the blanket up further to warm himself, Nico felt something warm brushes against his hand. He looked to his side and there sat Will Solace, his hand entangling Nico's trembling ones, sending shivers up his spine. "Are you having nightmares?" The boy asked hoarsely. It seems that he had been sleeping too.

Will usually leaves on the afternoon. "Why are you still here?" Nico asked, voice still weak from sleep. He didn't jerk his hand away even though his brain keeps telling him to. Perhaps it's because of his drowsiness. Perhaps not.

Will's grip on his hand tightened and Nico can't help holding his breath. "I wanted to be with you." Will said. Not playfully or jokingly. Honestly.

Nico's heart beats faster. "In my dream..." he started to mutter, each word clogs at the bottom of his throat, yet the unstoppable suddenness of it at the end of his tongue surprises him. "In my dream, I was killing my sister..."

His voice breaks and Nico quickly regretted what he just did. He had never told anyone of his nightmares before. _What a thing to say to someone who hasn’t even know your name!_ Will is going to hate him now. He'll hate Nico now _._ He prepared himself to see an unapproving look from the sleepy boy, but instead Will brushed Nico's flocks of black hair with his other arm as he smiled softly. "It's just a dream. You'll be okay. I'm here with you."

The loud thump again. Deep in his chest.

Nico tried, hard, to breathe properly. He muttered a weak 'yeah' and closed his eyes again. The warmth of Will's hand calms him. _He'll be okay. Will's here with him._

For the first time since Bianca's death, Nico slept without any nightmares.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry I took like half a year to update this but honestly college is killing me, I could barely breathe. And sorry if it's too short :(  
> Hope you enjoy and don't forget to give feedbacks! :*


	4. A Time of Hope and Despair

 

Nico woke up in the morning and Will is still there, loosely holding his hand. A now-familiar feeling swirled within him. It’s warm. Soft. _Why is he feeling this way?_

"Hey." Nico called, but the blond boy did not move a finger. The curtain is still closed, leaving the room with a dim light from the dawn outside. "Will?" He tried again. That's the first time he had spelled Will's name. It felt weird on his tongue, like something he shouldn't have said, but somehow saying it made him feel content. _Why is that so?_

Will woke up a second after that, eyelids fluttering before he immediately found Nico in the dark. "Morning." He whispered and smiled gently, voice still hoarse and eyes still heavy-lidded from sleep. Then, he didn't say anything.

Nico stared back at Will before faking an awkward cough. He honestly had no idea what he’s supposed to do in this situation. Why isn't Will saying anything? "Uh, thanks,” he finally managed to mumble, “for last night." _No. What is he saying? What is he saying?!_

But then Will smiled, and his blue eyes are gleaming in the dim of the room. "Are you going to tell me your name today?"

Nico fell in a pit of silence. He _wanted to_ tell Will his name. He wanted to, but he can't seem to utter a single word in the moment. He could feel his heart thumping in his ears now, at the tip of his fingers, surging madly through his veins. Are Will's eyes always this miraculous shade of blue?

He may have stayed quiet for far too long because Will tilted his head slightly to his side then. "So, I guess it's still a no?"

 _What? No_. "No— yes. I mean yes.  I—I’ll tell you. My name." He struggled, looking away from the lock of Will’s gaze, both hands clutching the hems of his blanket. _What the hell_. He is literally stuttering. He wanted to slap himself in the face. _Get to your senses._

However, Will did not laugh. He seems to be waiting. Nico felt in a trance, like he's being hypnotized. He wanted to drown into his bed. He still can’t make sense of what he’s feeling now, but he’s feeling it by the way and he can’t stop himself from feeling it. Heck, what is he even thinking? And why is Will reaching out his hand?

“If you’re going to introduce yourself, it’s better if we do it this way, right?” He smiled, waiting for Nico to return the handshake.

Nico nodded absentmindedly and through sheer determination managed to grasp Will’s warm hand into his own cold one. "It's Nico. Nico di Angelo." He stammered in a short, dry breath. His voice, barely audible, didn't sound like his own. It sounds like it came from a very distant place; like it's wrapped in plastic.

Nico wanted to say he regret his decision. But when he lift his face again, Will's face light up like the first sunshine of spring as he said, "That's a beautiful name. Nico."

Nico can't pull himself to stop thinking how _his name sounded really good coming from Will's lips_ , but before he realized it, he had smiled too, and even though the room is still dark, he felt like warm, soothing lights are falling all over the place. _What a nice feeling._

"Yeah.”

 

 

***

 

 

 

Their friendship flow all at once after that.

Nico would still not talk much, but he stopped asking Will to leave. Will would come to sit there every day, on a stool beside the window, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. He would ask Nico to play stupid word games and told him endless lines of stupid jokes. He'd bring videos for them to watch together, or board games like monopoly (Nico always wins.) He'd sat there without doing anything in particular sometimes.

Nico found himself getting more and more comfortable around the other boy, but whenever Will scoot a little too close, or smiled a little too bright, the cozy feeling subsides into something else within him. He can't quite name it, but the feeling— it’s almost like waterfall, like fireworks; it’s an avalanche of _something_ dancing in his stomach and exploding in his chest. He hated it but at the same time he can't get enough of it. He can’t get enough of Will Solace who is like the sun, always bright and radiant. It's almost as if he could absorb all the misery Nico had in him. Whenever Will flashes a smile at him, or talks to him, or laughs his contagious laugh, Nico would forget all the reasons he got here, all his sufferings. When Will is right there beside him, he kept forgetting that he should be sad and worrying and inherently miserable.

The anxiety still taunts at him, off course, from time to time. After all, it's only been about a month and a half. It's nearly impossible to shake all the bad memories away in such a short amount of time. He still misses his sister greatly. But at least, his nightmares started dropping away. He no longer had to wake up to the cold air in the middle of the night, haunted by the vividness of the bloody images in his own mind. Now that he thought less of it, he can't even remember that prick's face. He is glad.

However, along with the buoyant feeling of relief, came another heavy burden—the burden of keeping the truth, from Will and everyone around him. The more days he spent with Will, the more Nico found himself wanting to hide the truth from him for as long as possible. He did not want Will to know why he got here. Sure, Will already knew about his suicide attempt. But it's not just that. He had no home and no one to come back to. He watched his sister being raped and killed right in front of his eyes. And above all: he had murdered a person, and is now a sinful fugitive. If Will knew any of this, he will surely distance himself from Nico. He will loathe him. Nico does not want that.

"Neeks? Why are you putting such a serious thinking face?"

The softly spoken words snapped him out of his thoughts. Off course, Will had been here the whole morning. He was reading some shitty poetry books out loud a few minutes ago. Nico had been so deep in thought, he didn't even realize Will had stopped reading and started watching him instead. He shook his head. "It's nothing."

The look on Will's blue eyes inquired him. "Really?"

Nico knew he couldn't hide his worries from Will. He did not know how Will did it. When Nico is worrying, he just _knew_. Nico could still lie to him, at least. "I've been thinking when I will be able to walk again, actually." He shrugged. "I wanted to go outside."

Will's face light up. He fixed his position on the stool as he eagerly exclaimed, "I could take you outside."

“What?” Well, now _that_ surprised him. Dr. Apollo and the nurses clearly said that he is not allowed to go outside yet. He just said he wanted to go outside out of spite. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, on a wheelchair. We could go to the park or anywhere you want." Will jumped up and walked closer to his bed. He stared at Nico’s face closely. "You've been a bit too pale. Maybe some sunlight will be good for you."

Nico felt his face get warmer. They were so close. “But it’s autumn.”

“The sun is still there, believe me.” Will laughed. “I’ll lend you my jacket.”

Before Nico could object, Will had stormed out as he muttered something about taking the jacket and the wheelchair. Nico stared blankly at the door as he slammed it shut.

_Going outside, huh?_

Well, maybe he does need to see more of that scenery outside his window.

 

 

***

 

 

 

For the first time in what feels like forever, Nico deeply inhaled air that is not reeking of alcohol and antibiotics. His vision is filled with the typical oranges and browns of autumn. Fallen leaves are decorating the whole park, the delicately blowing wind smells crisp and earthly. The sound of dried leaves being stepped on can be heard from almost every direction.

"Felt good?" Will asked as he pushed Nico's wheelchair from behind.

Nico muttered a soft _mhm_. They are at the small park near the hospital, around five to ten minutes by foot. Nico did not know if this is even allowed, but Will is the son of an important doctor in the hospital, so maybe it wouldn't be a big problem. Will probably could talk their way out of it.

Will took him to a wood bench near an oak tree, then lifted Nico from his wheelchair to sit on the bench. Nico felt a rush of relief at the fact that he's wearing thick clothing –Will had let him lent it— that covers most of his body. The air is bone-freezing and he is so thin.

"You are light as a feather." Will cooed as he sat next to Nico, as if he had read his mind. "You should really eat more, Neeks."

"Maybe." Nico replied nonchalantly. He is now busy admiring the scenery around him. After all, white walls and low ceilings had been the only thing he had seen for the past few weeks. All the colors and sensations of this moment make him feel actually alive again.

But off course, Will does not want to be ignored. He scoots closer to him, and Nico jolted when he felt their hands touch. He looked to his side. Will is holding up his arms in the air now. "See? Very slender fingers. Did you even eat your food when I’m not around?"

It startled Nico how there’s so much _care_ in one sentence, but still he smiled. And he had not known he could smile like that before, but it turns out he could. "I have a fast metabolism."

Will laughed and put their hands back down, yet he doesn't let go of Nico's hand, much to Nico's relief. His hand is warm.

Nico eyed him slightly. Will had a weird expression on his  face now. He looks he wanted to say something; his azure eyes glued to where their hands intertwined. Nico wondered what it is.

"Can I ask you something?"

Here it comes. Nico nodded quietly, doubtfully. "What is it?"

Will looks away. And now he looks rather... nervous, if that's even possible for someone like him. _What is it that he wanted to say?_

Nico waited and waited. The cold afternoon wind blows on his pale cheeks, smearing it with shades of red. He thought the silence is going to stretch on forever, but Will finally looks back at him again with his quiet blue eyes as he said, "May I know why you tried to kill yourself?"

Nico felt a pang of fear upon hearing Will's words. He knew, this fact has been hovering over them all this time. And even though Will had always tried to talk to him normally and treat him as if he's just another patient with mild fever, they both knew suicide was the reason Nico got into that hospital in the first place. Will had never brought this up, so Nico stopped worrying about it. He thought there's an unofficial statement that they both should pretend not to know this fact. _Why is Will bringing this up now?_

"I..." His breath hitched as he tried to figure out what to tell Will. If he lied now, he would have to live with that lie whenever he's with Will. Nico does not want that. He wanted to feel content and relaxed when he's with Will, not burdened or guilty.  He exhaled a deep breath; black strands of hair covering most of his troubled face as he buried his gaze into the ground.  "I don't want to talk about it."

Will paused for a second. Then he said, "Okay."

But his voice was too calm. Too not demanding. Is Will mad at him? Nico could not tell, and he still couldn’t lift his face to look at him now. He must be, though. They're friends, aren't they? Friends tell each other about their struggles and difficulties. It is definitely not okay for Nico to be keeping secrets like this from Will. But this is a different story. How do you tell someone that you wanted to die because your one and only family got raped and killed right in front of your eyes and you end up killing the person who does that and now you're a fugitive who does not belong anywhere? Will must never know about any of that.

"Are you mad?" Nico questioned as he lift his face, trying his best to read Will's emotions behind the blue of his irises. But Will is smiling, just like he usually did.

"Off course I’m not." He said. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it now. I also understand if you don't want to talk about it ever. Just remember that if you want to talk, well, I'll always be here to listen."

Those words made Nico felt all warm and fuzzy inside even with the cold autumn air that surrounds them. Despite the guilt, he is thankful. Will understands him.

"I'm so sorry," he muttered, "That I'm... the way I am."

Will caressed the back of his hand with his thumb. "Don't be."

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The topic was never brought up again after that. Much to his relief, Will had promised not to talk about it if it made Nico felt uncomfortable.

They continued their routine in the small ward room, with Will being the loud friend and Nico the timid one. Dr. Apollo came to check on him from time to time, sometimes even joining in their conversations.

It was one afternoon that Will asked Nico. He was reading a book in his usual spot –probably a romance novella, judging from the cover— and it looks like there's something bothering him. "Have you ever fallen in love, Neeks?" He asked, head slightly tilted. Flocks of his golden hair were shading his eyes.

Nico thought the question through as he stared blankly at Will’s direction. He had heard the words 'fall in love' being thrown away every day; in TV shows, advertisements, in the streets, practically everywhere. But he does not understand the concept behind it. Well, not really. He loved Bianca, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t 'fall in love' with her. He just loved her from the very beginning. And yet she's the only one he could associate with the word 'love'.

"I don't think so." He answered, confusion clearly embedded in his tone. "Why?"

Will shrugged, opening up his book again. "Nah. Just wondering."

"What is falling in love like?" Nico asked, genuinely curious.

Will's movement paused. He closed his book again. "What it is like?"

"I don't understand that much about it." Nico exclaimed, feeling a bit of embarrassment. He is seventeen and he asked the question of a kid.

Will laughed then, as if Nico had just said the most absurd thing of the century. Damn Will, why does he have to make him look so stupid? "I just wanted to hear it from your perspective." He reasoned.

When his laugh subsided, Will ehem-ed and changed his position on the chair. "Alright then, Nico di Angelo, Will Solace is going to give you a simple lesson about love. From my perspective. Pay attention."

Nico wanted to laugh then, because Will had mimicked the expression of the news guy he often saw on TV, but Will already started talking, and he sounded more serious than what Nico had thought. Will closed his eyes and opened them again to stare dreamily at the autumn outside the window.

"When you fall in love with someone, your heart will beat faster when you're together." He started. "You found yourself wanting to be with them always, and when they're beside you, you feel really happy and jumpy but also comfortable and safe." Will continued.

_Happy and jumpy. But also comfortable and safe._

Will’s eyes are staring him down now, soft and so full of something else Nico could not quite tell. "You would want to get closer to them. You wanted to touch them and felt the warmth of their skin against yours."

Nico tried to restrain his heavy breath now as he listened to Will's words.

"You also want to stay with them forever to protect them and make sure they're alright because it feels good seeing them happy." Will ended with a smile that struck him senseless.

And Nico is sitting there, losing his mind—

Because _that. That is_  everything and everything he had felt these past few weeks. It's the feeling he couldn’t name. Will put them into words.

But _why_ is he feeling it for Will? _He is a boy_ , _for hell's sake_. _Aren't you supposed to fall in love with someone who is your opposite sex?_ Why the hell would he fell in love with Will Solace?

Nico breathed out slowly as he tried to stay as calm as he possibly could, hiding any signs of unnecessary emotions on his face. "How about you, though?” He asked Will in return when he felt the silence had stretched on for far too long. “Have _you_ ever fallen in love?"

Will smiled and his blue eyes are filled with secret. "I am now." He said.

Nico does not know why it is so, but upon hearing that, he felt a throbbing pain in his chest, in the place where his normally-beating heart should have been. _Will is falling in love with someone._

_It hurts._

"Oh, yeah." Will continued, as if he had forgotten something important. "Also, when you fall in love with someone, you would never want them to fall for anybody else."

" _Oh_." Nico felt broken and defeated.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

That night, Nico couldn't fall sleep.

His mind is filled with a sudden realization about the nature of his feeling towards Will.

_Why must it be Will? And why must it be now? And why must Nico be himself?_

It's not only the loud thump of his chest; not only the growingly rapid beat of his heart. It's the happiness that tries to burst out of him whenever he sees Will coming by the door. It's the way Will's whisper always managed to calm him down in the middle of the night. And, somewhere along the line of Will's unfunny jokes, or the crease of his eyes when he smiles, Nico found himself wanting to look at Will's face closer. He wanted to touch his hand and cup his face. He wanted to run his hand in his hair. All this emotions are strangely foreign to him before, but he can't deny it now.

He is falling in love with Will Solace.

_And nobody should ever know._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! College starts again like a week from now, and I wanted to update at least one more chapter before that happens, so here it is. I hope you liked it! Don't forget to leave feedbacks! I will love you sooo much if you do :)


	5. A Trace of Your Smile

The next few days turns out to be surprisingly okay.

A lot could go wrong, but nothing changed between him and Will. Off course, Nico felt even more disgusted by himself every day, but as long as Will had no idea about it, he figured, it should be fine. They should be fine.

More than anything, Nico does not want to lose what they had now, no matter how insignificant.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

This morning, however, is a surprise because Will came and told Nico he could start practicing to walk.

The hospital had a walking rehabilitation facility on the first floor, and Nico is on his way there on a wheelchair with a nurse, Hazel's, help. They said Will is waiting for him at the facility. He had shifted in his bed earlier this morning as he heard Will flooding him of information about the rehab activity. Nico was skeptical about the whole thing at first. The last time he checked, he still can't move his feet farther than a few inches. But Will is so eager about accompanying him through the rehab and who can say no to Will Solace when he's being that enthusiastic.

It's not like Nico is unhappy about it. Gosh, it had felt really weird to let everybody do everything for him because he can't do it by himself all this time. But still, with his current condition, he'll probably only be a disappointing pain in the ass while Will trained him.

"Are you nervous, di Angelo?" The young nurse inquired from behind him as they strolled through the corridor, quickly snapping Nico out of his thought.

"Uh? No, I'm fine," he mumbled. He actually likes Hazel a lot among the other hospital staffs –her brownish-gold eyes twinkles and she always had that warm expression on her face. She still tries to talk to him even when she's used to his short responses. Hazel reminded him a bit of Bianca.

"You might not be good at it the first time, but it's important to pull yourself together and take your first step. There is really no need to be afraid." Nico couldn't see her, but he knew she smiled. "I'm sure Will is going to help you through it."

Yeah. Nico know he will. He helped him through practically everything and he owes him so much. "Is he always like this?" He couldn't stop himself from blurting out the restrained question.

Hazel waited a few seconds before replying, "What do you mean?"

Nico sighed. How does he explain the epitome of kindness that is Will Solace? "Is he always so eager to... You know, help people out and make them feel good about themselves?"

For some reason, her steps slowed down as she ponders the answer to the question. "I think...," She stopped mid-sentence, doubt clearly embedded in the tone of her voice; "I think he wanted to give people hope. Or something like that.  Maybe."

She picked up the pace again immediately after that –as if they're in a hurry, as if not wanting Nico to ask another question. She pushed the wheelchair swiftly through the not-so-crowded hospital corridor, its wheels making creaking noises as they made contact with the linoleum floor.

He did not understand what she meant. She didn't even answer his question. It's confusing. When it's about Will, it's always so confusing.

Nico really wanted to ask her more, but before he gets to do so, they arrived at the rehab facility and Will is running to them with that blinding smile on his face. _Maybe next time._

"Good luck, di Angelo." Hazel gave him one last pat on the shoulder before leaving.

And Nico wonders if he actually knew anything at all about the blue-eyed boy in front of him.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Hold onto me."

Nico looks up from where he's sitting in the wheelchair, frustrated. "And then what? My feet won't move. It just won't."

Will laughed and ruffled his hair. _Wow. Might as well explode_. Nico could feel his face warming up and he really wish his feet is in excellent condition so he could just run away from here. He averted his gaze to his surroundings, anywhere but Will freaking Solace's blue eyes, and felt even more self-conscious as he gets to realize that the facility is not even close to vacant. It's a quite wide space with parquet floor and big windows covered with blue satin curtains in one side. A few old people in wheelchairs are gathering in a corner chattering, and a lot more are actually using the facility, holding onto the steel bars, trying to move with limp, trembling steps, some with trainers, others don't. He is not used to being in a room with so many people.

"Believe me; it's going to get better once you tried." Will chuckled. "Now grab my arms and I'll help you up."

Nico wanted to follow the instruction to make it look less like he's suffering, but he's in one of those moments when his limbs won't listen to what his brain is telling them to do. He wish Will doesn't have this effect on him. But he _does_ and Nico is forever doomed.

"Here," Will said as he took both of Nico's hands and put them on his shoulder. _Will's shoulder. Holy freaking hell._ "Now hold onto me as I pulled you up, ok?"

Nico nodded, not knowing what else to say or do when his body felt so in trance, but Will doesn't seem to care what he thinks because almost immediately after that, he grabbed him from under his arms and helped him up slowly to an almost perfect standing position –and Nico swears he had never felt this dizzy before. He could feel the weight of his own body pulling him forward and his mouth is muttering a slur of “Whoa wait I don'tthinkthisisfine _”_ as he fell victim to his body's imbalance and before he realized it, he find himself circling his arms around Will Solace's neck.

And Will is being so _unfair_ because _why are his big hands snaking behind my freaking back?_

They are practically hugging and Nico's heart is beating as if he had ten other hearts inside. He wanted to talk but won't because he knew his voice would tremble if he did, so he just tried to free his body out of Will's embrace, but Will just hugs him even tighter. Their chests almost touched and _what if Will could feel how fast his heart is beating?_

"Sorry, we had to stay like this for awhile to help you adjust." Will murmured against his neck.

_Right. It's called adjusting, not hugging._

"Can you feel your feet down there?" Will asked him again.

_Calm down, Nico di Angelo_ , he tried to pep talk himself. _He wanted you to focus on your feet. Your freaking feet, ok? Not his voice and definitely not the muscles of his chest and his firm hands on your back._ "Yeah, I guess I could feel them."

"Can you move it?"

"Uh, I really don't know if I can." He's quite sure he can't. It's like he knew his feet are there, but he doesn't have any direct access to move them as he wishes.

"Let's try."

"Okay. Wait." Alright. It may work, actually. He have tried moving his feet a few inch before when still in bed and it worked out just fine. If he wanted to get himself out of this situation, he should at least try moving.

Nico lifted his right feet a few inches. He could feel the muscles in his thigh tremble and it's painful as hell, but it's working. "I can lift one." He announced, amazed at himself.

"That's great," Will stepped back a little, much to Nico's relief. Now he can breathe normally. "I'm gonna move back a bit now to give you room to try moving it forward, but make sure you keep your hands on my shoulder, okay?"

"Okay."

Will moved back and Nico instantly feel like he might fall back again but Will is quick in grabbing his waist. "Grab me by my shoulder and do not let go of me," He ordered.

Nico complied and doesn't let go. The muscles of feet still tremble from the amount of pressure suddenly avalanched on them, but he managed. An exhilarating feeling swirled in him. He could do this. "Can I move now?"

"If you're sure."

He's sure. Nico moved his right feet the slightest bit forward and stepped back on the floor softly. "I did it." He whispered, almost to himself, but Will heard it and smiled.

"Yup, you did! This is amazing for your first try." Will encourage him, and suddenly all the doubts that had been piling up inside him disappeared.

He lifted his left foot now, and it feels a lot heavier than his right one, but he's not giving up. He grabbed Will's shoulder harder and gathered all the strength in him to move the left foot forward –but then everything blurred under his very sight as he loses his balance and before he knew it he's diving headfirst to the wooden floor.

In the split second, Nico closed his eyes and braced himself for the fall, and he did fall with a very loud thump against the wooden blocks of the parquet floor. _Ouch_. _Hurts._

But wait.

_It doesn't... It doesn't hurt._

_Wait, what? Why doesn't it hurt?_ Nico opened his eyes. His sight blurred at first from the sudden fall, but then it gets better and all he could see is the fabric of Will's green sweater.

Will's body is under him.

With what was probably the quickest reflex of his life, Nico rolled to the side, half panting from the flood of embarrassment that he got himself drowning in. He just fell on Will Solace. And there are so many people here and they're probably judging him really hard and Will probably does, too. Nico really doesn't think he could live this one down, ever. He covered his face with both arms and glued his temple to the wooden floor. _What hell, self?!_ He internally screamed. _Was falling_ for _him not enough? Now you just gotta fell_ on _him too?!_

The embarrassment almost made him tear up, but then Will's body started shaking beside him, and he started laughing and he's laughing so hard, and it's the colorful-fireworks-bursting-out-of-you and water-bubbles-flying-into-the-air kinda laugh.

"Sorry, I really shouldn't be laughing," he said while still trying to stop laughing, which failed miserably, "I don't know what's so funny about you falling but it just is! And not to mention, you fell _on me_! Like it's some kinda cheesy slapstick story!" Then he started laughing again and he just won't stop. It went for minutes, and the sound of his laugh is so contagious that a few people around them started laughing along.

The whole situation is just so weird. Nico wanted to drown deeper in self-hatred and shame, but the sound of so many people suddenly bursting out laughing around him made it feels wrong to think so negatively, so he rolled on his back and started laughing, too. And he's not going to lie; it actually feels really good to laugh. He really should care less about the voices in his head telling him this is not right, because this actually feels like the rightest thing he had ever done. When was the last time he laughed so hard, until his stomach hurt and his whole body goes weak? He doesn't even remember.

It took awhile before everything subsided back into normal, but when it does, Nico is panting and a trace of smile is still left on his lips. He hadn't felt so good in such a long time.

They started the practice again awhile after that, and Nico felt much more at ease. He wanted to do better. He wanted to _heal_.

At the end of the day, he realized he had much better control over his lower limbs, and honestly, it feels like hope. Will encouraged him all the way through it, and he keeps doing so the next day and the day after that.

They practiced a lot, not only in the rehab facility, but practically everywhere they can: in Nico's ward, the corridor, even outside a few times. When they are practicing at the rehab facility, however, the old people in the corner always shared their fruits with them, and Nico even made friends with a few other rehabilitees. It felt nice. It felt like being actually alive in a world that doesn't hate him.

Those days are the days Nico truly felt that his mind and body is slowly, but surely, healing. And if years later people would ask him what healed him, what helped him through it all; his answers wouldn't be the medicines. He wouldn't say it was the IV drops and the continuous bed rest and all those weekly check ups. Dr. Apollo and Hazel and the other hospital staffs, maybe –they took care of him well. But mostly, it was Will Solace. Nico knew he wouldn't have survived any of it without him.

 

 

***

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this super postponed update! I have no excuse, I'm just really bad at managing my real life. By the way, this chapter was really short, huh? Well, this was supposed to be a transition chapter, so... Please wait for the next chapter, which was supposed to be longer! Hopefully I'll finished it within this month. :>
> 
> Until then, please enjoy this mess of a story, and don't forget to leave your feedback, because honestly, sometimes I feel like not continuing this story but then a comment popped up in my email and that keeps me going! Luv u all, truly.


	6. Scars in The Dark

 

"You sure you don't want a TV here, Nico?" Dr. Apollo said, turning his head around one last time before he walked out. "I think we have one in the attic. It's a little broken though, but we could have it fixed."

Nico shook his head. "I just don't really like watching TV."

He's not lying. There used to be a small TV in his and Bianca’s apartment room, and it's barely even on. Bianca finally sold it to buy Nico his textbooks for school and clothes that fits better for the both of them. Oh, Bianca. If only she was here. If only he could told her about Will.

Dr. Apollo shrugged at his answer. "Well, at least Will is here to keep you company." He ended his sentence with a playful wink directed toward his son, who is immersed in the book in his hands.

Will is not even looking up as he responded with a groan, "I'm sure you have better things to do than disturbing our peace here, dad."

"I'm just really happy you're doing well with our Nico here, son—"

"Dad." Will threw him an exasperated look. He looks tired. "Just... Please."

"Okay, okay. I understand." Apollo finally gave up and proceeds to open the door, a cheerful smile still plastered on his face. "Enjoy your youth youngsters! Old man out!"

The door slammed shut behind him and Nico could hear Will exhaling a heavy sigh.

It's another chilly Wednesday. Dr. Apollo comes to check on him every Wednesday afternoon, and after finishing the checkup and briefing him on his improving condition, the old man will continue trying to join in his and Will's conversation. Will always has his unusual pouting face whenever this happened, and Nico always found it really funny, although he never understands why Will have to act so cold-hearted towards his own father.

He turned to look at Will. "Why are you so hard on him?"

Will let out another sigh as he covered his face with the book he was reading, his voice muffled by the thickness of it as he said, "He knows everything about me."

"Well, aren't he supposed to? He's your father."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Nico frowned. He had never seen Will so down and dry like this. Is he mad? Is it because of something that Nico have said? "Hey, is something bothering you?"

Will did not move from his cover-face-with-book position. "Can we not talk about this?"

Will’s dry words and attitude cut through him, but Nico managed to remind himself that it’s not the time to be sensitive. Will clearly has something bothering him in the moment.  _What could it be?_  It made Nico feel uneasy to think that Will has something that made him feel uneasy. But, after all, he also have things he doesn't want to talk about, so why can't Will have one? It's only normal.

 "Okay." Nico said finally after a few seconds of studying the other boy in silence.

Will continue reading his book after that, but he seemed to be not focused, like he is drowning in his own suffocating thoughts. And Nico is drowning in his, too, because Will’s presence is like the light of the sun to him, and how could one feels truly alive when the sun is barely even shining?

They sat in silence for hours and hours until the sun sets, leaving the room dark with faint traces of golden lights. Will just sat there He didn’t even get up to close the curtain and turn up the lamps, something he would usually do. “Will?” Nico called, doubtfully.

Will stared blankly at the white ceiling of the room before sighing again. He seems disoriented, like he just woke up from a long sleep, his silhouette dark against the last lights of sunshine seeping through the window. When he averted his gaze to Nico, the blue of his eyes is full of sadness and something else, something Nico had never seen in those eyes before.

Will managed to pull a thin smile. “Will you go with me to the roof tonight?" He muttered.

Nico frowned. The roof, in this chilly weather? It’s a strange request, but he can't say no to anything Will is saying now. "Yeah, sure."

Will nodded before getting up and walked to the door. "See you at midnight, then. Get some sleep before that." He walked out right after, slamming the door shut behind him, leaving Nico alone with thousands of questions in his head.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Nico could not really sleep after that, even though Will had told him to. Instead, after eating his soup for dinner, he sat there, contemplating about what could be happening to Will. Will, who is always cheerful and bright. Will, who is always happy and smiling. What could make such a boy looks so down?

Will must have his hardships too, off course. Nico realized he must not drown in his own expectations of the person that he thought Will was. Will is a human being too, a being with problems and worries, just like he is. It is completely justifiable for him to feel down now and then, but Nico just can't stop himself from wondering and ultimately, worrying.

Midnight came before he even realized it, and Nico's eyelids are starting to get droopy as the clock ticks further past twelve. However, the faint, careful sound of the door being slowly opened jolted him awake again. He knew who it is without having to look, but he got up hastily and turned to face him nonetheless. "Will." He whispered.

The blond just gave him a slight smile before coming in. "Here's a jacket. It's cold up there." He handed it to Nico. Nico wore it hurriedly. When he's done, Will gave him a hand to stand on his own wobbly feet.

So, yeah, all those weeks of practicing walking with Will at the rehab facility and the corridor and the room and the park were not all for nothing. He could walk now, as long as it’s not too far, and he must rely on someone or something for support or he'll helplessly fall. Still, Dr. Apollo told him it's quite a big improvement. Nico took Will's hand as he struggles to move the muscles in his feet into proper standing position. Thinking about Dr. Apollo made him dwell further into of his thoughts. After all, he seems to be the trigger to Will's sudden drop of mood today.  _Or was he?_

When Nico finally stands on his own two feet, with one arm rested across Will's shoulder and one of Will's arm holding him firmly by the waist, they walked out. At this hour, there is barely anyone at Nico's floor. Most of the nurses on their night shift are on the ground floor. Their footsteps can be clearly heard echoing in the long and empty corridor. The stairs are a bit of a struggle, but Nico managed to pull himself together until they reach the roof, two floors up from his room. None of them talk the entire time.

When they finally arrived at the roof, Will only helped Nico sit on the rough concrete and sat beside him. Then, without saying anything, he just lifts his head and stared at the night sky.

It’s cold. The night air is freezing his fingertips and, beside him, Will’s presence, unlike usual, also felt cold. Nico can’t help but stare. Right now, Will is… It’s almost as if he's trying to find the answer of the questions he's been asking himself in the calmly twinkling stars above them. He looked like an angel like that. Solemn and radiating a light of his own.  _He’s beautiful,_ andNico really want to talk to him, but he did not dare. They were enveloped in both the darkness and the utter silence of the night. It feels just like the first time they met –there's this unseen barrier between them, but this time Will is the one who built the barrier. Even though Will is sitting right there beside him, Nico felt more distant than ever from him.

_And gosh, it's actually really damn cold up here._  The cold air made Nico shiver and he curled up into himself, rubbing his hands together to produce heat. He looked over to the boy sitting next to him again. Whenever Nico showed signs of cold before, Will would always take Nico's hand in his and hold it in the pocket of his jacket. It was a warm and friendly gesture, and Nico liked it a lot more than he’d like to admit. But Will didn't do it now, because he’s still not here with him. Will is still lost in the intoxicating pitch black of the night sky above them.

For what felt like an hour, they just sat there like that—the boy who had lost the world and another boy who had given it back to him. The pitch black sky reminded Nico of the night he tried taking his own life. It was the night when everything changes for him.

Suddenly the thoughts are spiraling in his mind. What if he never did that? What if he never met Will? What if he never ended up in this city? What if all the things that happened to him and Bianca never happened at all? Would he rather if it never happened and he never knew Will for the rest of his life?  _What if, what if—?_  Soon enough, the thoughts are getting too much for him to handle, and Nico felt restless just by thinking about it. He wanted to stop thinking, so he just turned his head to look at Will again.

It's only after a few heavy minutes that Will finally moved. He swept his blond hair as he turn around to return Nico’s gaze. "Neeks," he whispered under his breath, voice barely audible, "can I hug you for awhile?"

_What_. The sudden request pushes out all the remaining air in Nico’s lungs and all the blood to his face, because  _a hug?!_   _How the hell would I survive that?!_  But right now Will sounds so exceptionally tired and worn out that Nico doesn’t have the heart to refuse. He doesn’t like hugging, but again and again he had to slap himself in the face mentally as a reminder that this is not about him. He’s doing this for Will. It may not be much, but he wanted Will to know that he can lean on him, too.

Without trying to think too much about it, Nico nodded, and in a second Will is holding onto him, his two normally steady hands now wrapped weakly around Nico's neck, his forehead resting on Nico's shoulder. Nico hesitated before finally bringing his own two arms to Will's back, patting him softly there, not really knowing what else to do or say. He is losing his mind as well as his ability to breathe _. Will is so close._  The cold air around them has gone somewhere else. Now, Nico can only feel the warmth, from within himself and radiating from Will's body.

After a while, Will’s trembling fingers started clawing on the back of Nico's jacket, his head still on Nico's small shoulder. "Say something, Neeks." He whispered. "Say something. I need you to."

Nico’s brain short-circuited. What should he say?  _I like you_ , Nico thought.  _I am probably in love with you, you idiot, so don't be sad anymore 'cause it made me sad seeing you sad_. It's at the tip of his tongue, ready to glide down his lips, but he tried his best to restrain himself from blurting it out. Trying to gather all the remaining pieces of sanity left within him, Nico whispered back to Will's ear, the words Will had said to him so many times before; "It's alright.” Though he knew it sounds stupid coming from him, yet still he continue, "It’s alright. You’ll be alright, Will."

Nico figured it didn't come out as reassuring as he hoped it would, but after a while Will finally lifted his head. "Thanks, Neeks." He muttered, lips forming a slight smile.

At that moment, Nico wanted to ask him all the questions he's been asking himself the whole night, the whole day — _What happened? What are you thinking about? Why are you sad?_ — but something in the way Will look at him told him that he must not. It seems that Will wants to save it for himself, at least for now.

After letting go of Nico, Will intertwined their fingers together and Nico just wanted to melt because at this point it’s literally too much. "I love the night, you know?" Will said, mindlessly staring at where his fingers entangled Nico’s.

_But you're the sun_ , Nico thought, but didn't say. Instead he asked Will, "Why?"

"It soothes me, I guess. It’s so calm and silent." Will was closing his eyes then, but when he opened them again they were gleaming. "Perfect for my melancholic taste, don’t you think?" He smiled brightly at Nico as he said this, and once again that special cheerful edge to his voice is back. That smile changed everything. The barrier between them is gone, and  _finally, finally_  Will is here with him again. Nico wanted to caress his face. It's dark and cold up here but he could be careless because now there is light and warmth in the presence of the boy sitting beside him. Nico is glad.

He returned Will’s smile immediately. "So, you're not sad anymore?"

Will tilted his head to the side. "Who told you I'm sad?"

"The whole day you've been acting like your dog died in a brutal car accident.”

"I don't even know how it feels to own a dog."

"Your books then. All of them, burned to ashes."

"Believe me; I would look much sadder if  _that_  actually happens."

"You have no idea how sad you look. You should see yourself."

"At least my sad state is your default state. Do you know how you look on a daily basis? You should see yourself."

"Say that again and I swear you’ll regret it."

Will laughed at that and Nico can't help smiling, because it's only been a day and he cannot even explain how much he missed the sound of Will's laughter.

God, he loved him too much. He shouldn't have fallen this deep. But he did. And it feels like drug. Like ecstasy. He can't get enough of it. He can't ever get enough of Will Solace. And he is doomed.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Will is gone again.

It's been two days since the last time they met at the roof. Nico wondered where he goes. Will did that from time to time, suddenly disappearing to who knows where. And Nico could not follow. Dr. Apollo has not give him permission to try walking by himself yet. Well. Not like he can.

Will had told Nico before that he does not go to school. "There are too much people there, and they weren't even teaching you  _actual_  useful things," he had said. Nico had frowned at this statement, but he stopped thinking about it. It only occurred to him again now. If Will doesn’t go to school, where did he go when he’s gone?

"Lunch, di Angelo."

Nico looked up. It's Hazel, the nurse who usually came to take care of him when Will's away.

"Thanks, Hazel." He nodded. Will had always told him to say thanks to all the people who had taken care of him. Now that he thinks of it, it does feel better seeing the look on people's faces when he regards his gratitude.

"You're welcome, di Angelo." She smiled. "You will have your sponge bath this afternoon."

He just nodded absent-mindedly to Hazel's words. He was thinking about Will. So yeah, he got a sponge bath once every two days (not every day ‘cause it’s almost winter and it started to get really cold). An old nurse, Ms. Hestia, would usually help him with it. However, she's been sick for two days now, so Nico is kinda low in hygiene at the moment.

Hazel is just about to walk out of the room when Nico thought of asking her about Will's whereabouts. She must have known where Will had gone. “Hazel?” he called. “By any chance, do you know where Will is?”

For what probably was the fraction of a second, Nico thought Hazel looks a bit taken aback, but he was probably just imagining it, right? "I really have no idea." She answered as she shook her head, confusion in her tone. "Maybe in his room? He claimed a bedroom all for himself since he moved in, near his father's office."

"Does he have any scheduled activities? He has gone like this too, several times before. I was just wondering where he went from time to time." Nico pressured.

The young nurse just shrugged, not knowingly. "I have no idea about it, since he doesn't go to school, you know? Sometimes I wonder where he went, too."

Nico did not respond. He only stared intensely at her, waiting for more answer. He knew this technique from Bianca. If you want someone to spill more, just stay silent and stare them down. Bianca used it a lot on him. However, this doesn’t seem to work on Hazel. "You know, you could just ask him later." She gave him a final shrug and a slight smile before finally leaving. Not the answer he was expecting.  _Maybe she really did not know._

Nico is once again alone, with the soft, cold wind that blows through the window.  _You could just ask him later, she said?_  Off course he had asked him a few times before. But his answers are always so vague.  _I fell asleep_. (How do you fell asleep for two days straight?)  _Went on a short adventure_.  _Had to help my dad analyze some patient's data; you know, I'm quite the professional._   _Been abducted by some men in black suits. Alien conspiracy? Who knows, Neeks. Who knows._ Such stupid, unbelievable answers— probably said just to make him laugh.

Nico smiled again when he thinks about it.

Where could he be going?

He misses him.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

Nico spends the entire day without Will before the said boy finally stormed back into his room at around six in the evening.

"I heard from Hazel that you were looking for me." There's an unreasonable triumph in his voice. Nico wanted to laugh when he hears it.

"Well, I was curious. What did you do this time?"

"Secret." He answered shortly, and his eyes are filled with smile. His eyes are always filled with smile.

"By the way!" Will exclaimed as he started opening the drawers near Nico's bed, looking for something. His voice is full of determination. "I am going to bathe you today!"

Nico choked on his own spit. He  _must_  have heard him wrong. "You're going to  _what_?!"

"It turns out that Mrs. Hestia is still sick, so she can't come today. And you smell like salad dressing. How many days has it been? Four?" He cringed, pulling out a small bottle of soap from the drawers. "So, I'm going to give you your much-needed sponge bath today."

Nico shook his head because no, this is not happening. This must  _not_. He could smell worse than rotten salad dressing and it will still not justify Will Solace  _bathing_  him. "You could just help me walk there, I can bathe myself."

"As if." Will rolled his eyes. "The tub's too high for you to reach sitting, and it's too slippery for you to stand."

Unfortunately, he really can't reason with that logic. But  _no_ , Will  _shouldn't_  bathe him, and this topic should never have been brought up. "No, Will," He exclaimed in horror, "I don't  _want_  you to bathe me."

"What's the big deal?" Will frowned. "It's just bathing. Water splashing, some scrubbing, then we’re done."

Nico frowned back. What's the big deal? Does Will think this is a completely normal thing to do?  But Will bathing him will involve Nico getting naked in front of him, right? And Will's hands will be touching his skin. Is that not a big deal? It might as well be the biggest deal in the whole wide world right now. But Will's face shows nothing of it. He looks as if this is something that just had to be done, the normalest thing for both of them to do. It confuses Nico. Is he the one who overreacted?

"C'mon." Will offered his hand to help Nico stand. Nico grabbed it, and he is completely losing his mind.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Don't look!" Nico murmurs as he took off his blue hospital shirt. Will is sitting on the small stool behind him, the sponge and soap ready in his hands.

Will snickered. "I'll be bathing you, so there's no difference, right?"

Nico only responded with a grunt, trying his best to put up a nonchalant stance. Will acted like this was nothing, so he should too, right? He tried hypnotizing himself by repeating again and again that ‘ _this is just bathing and it’s not a big deal_ ’ like it’s some kind of mantra.

The problem is, all the bathrooms in this hospital are old-styled. None is equipped with a shower. It wouldn't even be a problem in the first place if there's at least a simple showerhead—Nico could just sit there and bathe himself. But no, there's only this built-in high tub, and if one wants to take a bath they have to scoop the water from the tub with this bowl-like thing made of plastic. But the tub is too damn high to reach in sitting position, and Nico would have to stand if he wants to bathe. That's why it's so hard for Nico to bathe himself. That's why he is now stuck in this hell of a situation with  _Will. Freaking. Solace._  If only Ms. Hestia had gotten well earlier.

When he is finished with his clothes, Nico sit in another small stool in front of Will, his back facing the other boy. "Don't move too much, okay?" Will said as he got up, his voice steady and calm. Nico nodded helplessly.

Will started by splashing the small of his back with water. He lifted Nico's hands to wash the side of his body, and softly pushed Nico's head down so the water could reach the crook of his neck. Nico closed his eyes. He tried to think of other things but his mind keeps getting back at Will's hands touching his bare skin and Will's breath ghosting across his shoulder as he leaned down. Will’s hands are big and slightly callused, definitely bigger than Ms. Hestia's, but his movements are slow, soft and careful. And he is so gentle.  _Why_  is he so gentle? He could sponge him clean like he did the soles of his shoes for all Nico cares, but he didn't. He touched him as if he is a delicate piece of porcelain, and it’s making everything feels even more uncomfortable.

The water is cold, but Nico feels so hot he wanted to explode. Each second is harder than before.  _Stop_ , He wanted to told Will.  _Stop it right now_. But he is losing all the words. It's not his anymore. It's floating in the thick air around them, and Nico can't get them back.

Will moved to his front then, and starts splashing him with water once more. Nico tried to bury his gaze to the tiles in the bathroom floor. He wanted to melt down together with the water that's running down his abdomen. He started to hear voices inside his head and he's so dizzy. He can't feel his face anymore and  _why is it so freaking hot in here?_

"Are you alright, Neeks?" Will crouched in front of him to level their gaze, but Nico can't look back at him. His face must have look like a rotten tomato now. He wanted the earth to swallow him whole.

But then Will lifted up his wet chin softly. He bet Will is trying to look into his eyes now but Nico couldn’t have known because he is squeezing his eyes shut. "Neeks? Tell me if there's something wrong."

_Everything and everything is wrong_. Nico wanted to pass out. "I'm just a bit dizzy." He whispered under his panting breath, eyes still closed.

"We're almost done." Will said as he washed Nico's face with the water from his hands. But his hands stopped at Nico's temple. "Shit, Nico, you're having a fever."

Nico nodded. That's it. He's having a fever and that's why his whole body is burning hot.

Will finished with a quick sponge scrub and splashed him clean with water, then helped him up. Nico's feet felt even weaker than before and his gaze blurred. Will put on his clothes for him and half-carried Nico back to his room.

"I'll get back with dinner and some medicine." He said after he lay Nico down in the mattress. Nico could not see Will’s face through his blurry vision, but he can hear the worry in his voice, embedded in each of his words.

"Don't leave." Nico begs, his own voice hoarse. It feels like there is sand in his throat now, choking down his words and making it hard for him to breathe. He doesn't want to be alone.

Will caressed his cheek and the palm of his hand is like ice against Nico's burning skin. "I'll only be awhile."

When Will left, Nico feels he's about to cry again. His head is throbbing so bad, it's like his beating heart have moved to a space inside his skull and started a tantrum there. It hurts. He had had a fever before, and it's not even half as bad as this. His head doesn't even felt hurt then— it was really just a slight raise of his body’s temperature. Bianca had skipped her job to take care of him that day, and he healed in no time. But this time it's different. It's not only burning hot, but he also felt so tired and out of breath, like he had been running a marathon under the burning sky of the hottest summer. He can't even breathe right, for God's sake.

Thankfully, it doesn't took long for Will to came back with his father and a bowl of hot soup. Dr. Apollo did a quick check on him with the thermometer and his stethoscope.

"It's just normal fever, though a very bad case of it." Apollo said after a while, pulling the stethoscope out of his ear. "We still need to do blood checks to be sure, but for now other symptoms are not recognizable, so I think it is not hurriedly necessary."

"Will he be alright?" Will inquired. Through his half opened and watery eyes, Nico watch him put the steaming bowl of soup down on the drawers.

"Off course. It's actually part of his healing process. His body is reacting to fight off the sickness that's trying to get into him." Dr. Apollo said again. "He'll be fine."

Nico is still hyperventilating a little, so Dr. Apollo pats him lightly on the shoulder. "Calm down, son." He said, reassuringly. "Close your mouth and try to breathe from your nose. Slowly. Yes, like that. Exhale it through your mouth. Keep it up. Yes, you’re doing good."

He stayed for a while until Nico managed to control his excessive struggle to breathe. When the sick boy finally calmed down, Apollo made his way out of the room as he said, "I'll ask the nurses to bring some cold medicine. Make sure he eats his dinner first."

Will nodded. His father closed the door.

"Oh God..." Will said finally as he sat on Nico's bed, his tensed shoulder relaxing. He sighed as if he had been holding his breath the entire time. "I was so damn scared."

"I'm okay." Nico said, voice hoarse. He could still feel the lump of sand in his throat, but it's much better now since he could at least breathe.

"Let's hope you are." Will smiled tiredly as he got up and help Nico sit on the bed from his laying down position. "But first you must eat."

Nico nodded obediently. He doesn't feel like eating anything, but is too tired to object. Will sat beside his bed and took a spoonful of soup from the bowl. He put forth the spoon towards Nico. "Say aaaahh..."

Nico wanted to laugh at how childish this situation is, but is too weak to, so he just opened his mouth to swallow the soup down. He can't taste anything, but the warmth feels comforting as it made his way down to his stomach.

Will feed him, spoon after spoon of warm soup, and before he realized it's finished. Will smiled proudly at him, as if he had accomplished something greater than finishing a bowl of soup. "I'm glad you want to eat your food now." He uttered.

His words threw Nico back to his memories from weeks ago. He wanted to punch himself now when he remembered how he had slapped Will's hands back then and spilled hot soup on him when he tried to feed him.  _What a piece of shit, Nico di Angelo._

"Sorry, Will." He finally managed to whisper through his short breaths. "For what I did to you back then, I mean. I slapped your hands and..."

Will smiled at that. "I'm glad you could trust me now."

Nico smiled back, though weakly.

_And I'm glad you didn't give up on my stupid, sorry self._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The nurse Apollo promised, which appears to be Hazel, came not long after that, with all the medicines for Nico's mild fever. "Get well soon, di Angelo!" She smiled sincerely as she walk out of the room, leaving Nico once again only with Will.

After taking the medicines, he felt a sudden sleepiness weighing down his head and eyelids. "I'm so sleepy." He muttered.

"It's the side effect of the meds." Will said. "Just sleep, you need it after all." He helped Nico to move to laying down position again, and pulled up his blanket.

"Are you going to leave?"

Will smiled at that. He caressed Nico's cheek again. "Do you want me to?"

"No."

"Then I'll stay with you."

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Nico fell asleep without a dream, but the heat of his own fever-stricken body woke him up at around midnight. Will is still there beside him, and he seems to be sleeping so Nico wanted to go back to sleep too, but then he hears it.

"Nico," Will said, his voice gentle and drifting into the night air. "Nico."

His hands are holding Nico's hand tightly. Is Will calling him to wake him up or is he just sleep-talking? Nico kept his eyes shut.

"Please get well soon, Nico." Will said again. Nico opened his eyes the slightest bit and the room is too dark; he can't see anything clearly except for the blue of Will's eyes staring him down. But Will doesn't seem to realize he is awake.

"Please get well soon." Will said again as he gently move his thumb in a circular motion on the back of Nico's hand. "I really can't stand seeing you fell ill like this, Neeks."

At that very moment, Nico wanted to sit up straight. He wanted to tell Will he's okay and he should stop worrying. And he honestly had no idea why he keeps pretending to be asleep.

But then he felt something else, softer than skin, hotter, and wetter too, pecking his temple gently. The texture of lips. Will's lips.  _For the love of God and all that is holy._  Will is kissing his temple. Nico shut his eyes tightly, not daring to move a single muscle.

"I love you, Nico." He heard Will said.

Nico held his breath. He could still feel Will's warm breath on his face.  _I love you too_ , he wanted to say, scream. Except he didn't, because what does 'I love you' mean when a boy said it to another boy? What does it mean when Will said it to him now, as he kissed his forehead, ever so gently? Nico had an idea, but he still can’t understand. He’s too afraid to think about it, too afraid to hope. Boys aren't supposed to love each other  _that_  way, aren't they?

That's right. He must not be getting all the wrong ideas.

Nico tried to swallow down the sorrow as he realized that Will's 'love' and his 'love' probably means a whole different things.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME LITERALLY FOREVER TO UPDATE. I have no excuses, I'm just a lazy piece of shit. But I worked hard on this chapter, I swear! Long break is finally here so I hope I can update more often. Please don't give up on me and on this story. I love you all, and don't forget to leave a piece of your love uwu


	7. Memory of The Autumn Sea

Day by days went by, and before they realized it, autumn is almost coming to an end. They rarely, if ever, went outside anymore. It gets too chilly out. They mostly spend time in the room and in the rehab facility downstairs.

Nico is not sure if it’s just him, but lately he felt that time is slipping away so fast, and everything felt like it was in a trance. He is happy. He is thankful. These peaceful moments feel so unreal sometimes, and he is afraid that he’ll wake up one day and suddenly he is miserable again.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Today, too, started as a calm late-autumn morning. That is, until Will Solace barge into the room with that mischievous smile and loud voice of his.

"Let's go to the beach, Neeks!"

Nico lifted his head in surprise. " _What?_ " It is not even seven in the morning and he had to deal with this. The beach, he said? It’s almost winter, for God’s sake. How does he always manage to come up with the craziest ideas?

"You said you've never seen the sea before and that's the saddest thing ever, so we're going. Here’s for you." Will grinned, handing him a bundle of jackets and sweaters.

Nico stared at the bundle unbelievably. Then he stared at Will, who is already under thick layers of clothes and looks more than ready to go out. Off course Will had been planning this. He had asked Nico before if he'd ever seen the sea, and Nico had answered with a simple no. It did not occur to him that the idea would get the better of Will.  And now it seems that Will is not going to give up on the plan.

“But it’s cold. It’s almost winter, Will. Who goes to the beach at this time of the year?” Nico tries to reason.

Will just brushed it off like it’s not a big deal. “It never gets  _that_  cold around here, you know. We’re gonna be fine.” Then he added, “We can’t exactly wait until it’s summer right? That’s, like, six months from now.”

Okay, Nico had to admit, he wants to go to the sea. He often sees it from the rooftop, but how does it feel seeing it up close? He is curious, so yeah, it is actually not _that_ bad of an idea. According to Will, the sea is only about 30 minutes by foot. The only problem is  _how do they get there?_ It’s been a bit more than two weeks since Nico started his rehab, and he’s getting better, but walking that far is a bit too much for him. He could stand and walk a few feet with support, but 30 minutes? No way. This problem would be solved if only they could at least use a wheelchair, but they're denied access to any wheelchairs since their little sneaking out from before is found out. They’re only allowed to use wheelchairs in the hospital’s area now.  _He is still not fully healed and if you carelessly took him to places, he'll never be!_  That's what Apollo had said.

"Let's go now. It's best to go in the morning." Will spoke again, cutting off Nico’s train of thought, excitement can be clearly heard in his voice.

Nico frowned. "But the wheelchair..."

"Forget that thing," Will gave him yet another mischievous smile. "I'm giving you a piggyback ride there. You are so light, after all. It wouldn't be a problem."

 _A piggyback ride?_ Nico's heart stops at the thought.

 _How would that even work? Will it be like it was in the movies? Then, his body will be all stuck up to Will's back and Will's hands will..._  Nico felt his whole body grows warmer. Nothing is getting better now that he already realized his feelings for Will. It only makes him feel really uneasy around him. He can't even think about it. "You... want to carry me on your  _back_?"

"Yep." Will responded without a pause, the smile still wide on his face. "You don't want to?"

Nico stared back at him. Does he want to? Off course he _doesn't_. That would be so embarrassing.

"I think... I think that'll be fine."

Nico hated it when his body does exactly the opposite of what his mind’s telling him to do.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Can't you be a little... How do I say this? Uh, faster?" Will scoffed as he sat there, staring Nico down as he tried to put on clothes.

"Oh, shut up, I'm trying to be fast here!" Nico snapped, "And stop staring at me."

Will shrugged innocently as he averted his gaze somewhere else.

Nico rolled his eyes, trying his best to hide the embarrassment. Off course there's nothing wrong with him being half naked when there's another guy in the room— except that guy is Will Solace, and Nico is so miserably helpless when it comes to this guy.

"You should have just let me help." Will muttered again, his voice is quieter this time, as if he is sneaking it.

Nico grumbled incoherent words in response. It's indeed hard having to wear layers by layers of clothes on his own when he can't even move his feet freely, but it's still better than having Will do it for him. He had helped him a few times before. His hands had slightly grazed the skin on Nico's shoulders and chest and waist and hips and even down at his thighs. Nico is about to explode every time. It is impossible to ever let Will do that to him again.

"My old clothes fit you well, huh? You look great. Gorgeous as hell." Will said as he studied Nico from his usual spot by the window.

Nico knew Will meant it as a joke, but he can't help blushing. He looks down on what he's wearing as he tried to zip up his –Will's— jacket. "Really?"

"Yeah." Will smiled and Nico wanted to look at his face forever.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

When Nico is done, Will quickly jumped to stand on his feet and helped Nico walk outside. Then he kneeled with his back facing Nico. "Hop on then."

Nico hesitated. "Are you sure you'll be fine? I don't think I'm that light."

"God, you are as thin as a leaf. Just get on, the nurses will come soon. We don’t wanna get caught."

"Don't protest on me later." Nico muttered before holding his breath and started moving softly, pressing his weight against Will's back, his hands around his neck.

_What if Will could feel his rapid heartbeat through the fabric of their clothes? What if he is actually really heavy and Will is just pretending not to cry from how much he weighs? What if, what if, what if..._

"Hold on tight, Neeks."

"Okay."

Will stood up and walked out of the room then, and Nico started to feel nauseous. This is more dangerous than what he had thought. Will's back is pressed so dangerously close to his front, and his hands  are touching him on places that made Nico felt really fidgety and uncomfortable. The way their body is positioned does not make anything better. It is placing Will's neck right in front of Nico's face, its beautiful curve flexing and relaxing softly with his every move. He could faintly smell Will's soap, the shampoo he used for his hair. Nico wanted to _touch_ him and this is nowhere near fine.

_Why did he agree to this, again?_

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Their struggle to get to the beach is much more enjoyable than Nico had thought. It is hard at first, with Nico having to try really hard to stay calm with the position they're in, but as they walked further away from the hospital, he started to get used to it.

Nico does not know if he should feel embarrassed by this scene –Will carrying him on his back like this. He does not know what is normal for two boys to do and what isn't; he never had a friend before. A few people walked past them on the sidewalk, though, and none seems to care, so he guesses it's not a big deal.

"Sorry I can't talk much." Will breathed in front of him. "It turned out to be kind of tiring. Just look around and enjoy your ride while I suffer here, Neeks." Nico could tell Will is smiling from the way the muscle in his jaw clenched. He could tell even without looking at him at all. Will had that certain edge to his voice, as if he is always about to laugh at the end of his sentence. Nico had not realized how much he had grown to like it.

"I told you this was a bad idea."

"What? You never said that."

Nico only smiled as he tightened his grip on Will's shoulder in response.

They walked on the bigger streets at first, with a few motorcycles and bikes strolling about and people walking. As the sun climbs up a bit higher in the sky, they started roaming the smaller roads with no asphalt.

This city is really remote. Almost all of the scenery that they saw on the way is totally new to Nico. He had always been used to blinding streetlights and shiny billboards, but there's none of that here. Trees are lining up by the roadside, its fallen leaves coloring the road with a thousand shades of orange. The slightly cold but caressing wind of autumn morning brushed the wild strands of his black hair softly.

The trip took longer than initially expected because they have to stop a few times to let Will rest. As skinny as Nico might be, it’s still impossible to carry him around for 30 minutes without stopping. Nico felt sorry for Will, but Will kept saying that it’s fine so he just decided to believe him. It’s not like they can quit now, after all.

It was when his eyes caught a glimpse of the blue line of the sea that everything felt worth it. Nico held his breath. From where they're standing up on a lean hill, the sea looks so majestic.

As if knowing what Nico is thinking, Will stopped walking to give them both time to admire the scenery. "Beautiful, right?"

Nico nodded.

"We'll get there soon."

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

'Soon' turned out to be just a few minutes. Will took a few steps down the hill, walked a bit further, and there they are. Will kneeled down to let Nico get off then helped him to stand back up again, one hand across Will’s shoulder as support. The two boys are standing side by side, admiring the miraculous autumn sea, cold but graceful as a goddess.

" _Wow_."

It's the only sound that could escape Nico's mouth at the sight. The sea is so vast, and... wide, and so beautifully, brilliantly sparkling. It's the stuff of his wildest daydream. It is freedom and wildness and everything Nico could dream of. It made him feel so small, yet it also made him feel so...  _alive_.

Will did not say anything. He seemed to drown in his own thoughts as he stared solemnly at the ocean; as if trying to engrave the image in his mind, as if he would never see this again.

They stood in silence for a few minutes. The seemingly endless stretch of the glistening blue ocean, the cold breeze of wind, the sound of the waves hitting the shore, the strong smell of salt in the freezing air that they breathe… this is bliss, and Nico honestly does not think he will ever forget this.

"Let's go to the dock," said Will finally. "We can sit closer to the water there."

Nico nodded. Will offered another piggyback ride there, but Nico refused. It’s not that far, so he could probably manage on his own as long as he could hold on to Will for support. They walked slowly to where the dock is. They went for the far end before sitting on the porous blocks of wood. Will's feet are dangling by the edge, playing with the cold water, now with his shoes off.

"Isn't the water cold?" Nico protested. In this weather, he might shiver if he weren't wearing such thick layers of clothes; the water down there must be much colder.

Will only laughed it off. "Not as cold as you the first time we met."

"I have to be careful with random guys barging into my hospital room though. You could be a pervert." Nico defended himself, trying to hold in a laugh.

"Well, about that, actually." Will sighed. "I hope I didn't disappoint you, Nico, but I am a pervert. You are just too pretty to ignore.”

"What?!"

"Kidding! Ouch! Ouch!! Stop hitting me! How do you even get such strong knuckles?!"

Nico laughs, then Will does. Their laughter fades into the cold, salt-scented air of the autumn sea and Nico thought that this is everything and everything he had ever wanted.

"You went here often?" Nico asked when their laugh subsided, eyes directed to the ocean in front of them.

"Used to." Said Will nonchalantly.

"Why did you stop going?"

"Well... I stopped surfing, so there's not much to do here."

"Why did you stop? Injured?"

"Yeah... Kind of. I almost drowned."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

So, he used to surf? That explains the sun-kissed blond hair and skin. Nico wondered how much more there are to find out about Will. "Tell me more about you," he said, but Will stayed silent.

"How about _you_ tell me first, Neeks?” Will is looking his way now, forcing Nico to look back telepathically. The sun is high on the sky and its light is reflected on the sharp blue of his eyes. "You are so goddamn mysterious, you know? You're not from around here. Where do you used to live? What brought you here? Where are your parents and why aren't they looking for you?"

Those words felt like needles and Nico wanted the earth to swallow him whole, but he tried to put up a strong stance. He averted his gaze from Will and back to the blue of the sea. "My parents are dead. I used to live with my sister in the city –far away from here, I think— but now she's dead too. I ran away from home." His words flew fast and uncontrollable. He had wanted to say it simply, without any emotions, but his voice cracked at its edge and he just can't help the tears that started to form at the corner of his eyes.

The light in Will's eyes died a little then. His hand reaches for Nico's. For a moment there was only a deafening silence between them, before Will finally spoke up. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I... shouldn't have pressured you like that. "

"I'm okay." Nico shook his head.

Will's grip on his hand tightened, his expression full of doubt and uncertainty. "Is that why you...?"

Nico struggled to let go of Will's tight grip on his hand, the anger slowly building up from within him. The beautiful scenery is suddenly ruined. The sea is not as blue as it were a few seconds ago. "You've promised me not to talk about this." His voice sounds broken and damaged.

Will sighed then reached for his hand again, gripping it even tighter this time. "Look at me, Nico."

Nico felt the tears running down his cheek now. A few silent drops of it. He can’t look at Will's face now, but Will's other hand is already reaching for his chin, forcing Nico to look at his direction. His blue eyes are full of sadness and regret. "Please forgive me, Nico. I will not do it again." He whispered softly.

Nico stayed silent, trying to stop the warm tears that started to flow uncontrollably down his cheek. Will hugged him then, his steady hands loosely enveloping Nico's small figure. "I'm so sorry, Neeks. I didn't mean to. Please don't cry. I do not want to ever see you hurt..." He whispered to his ear. The gesture is so tender, and Nico is burning despite the cold air around them. He wanted to hold Will too, and stayed like that for hours. Except he can't, because he does not know where the boundary between them lies. He's afraid of doing something wrong. So he stayed silent and unmoving, letting Will hold him until he relaxed.

"Did you forgive me?" Will asked when he finally let go.

Nico only nodded, weakly. He felt dizzy and hypnotized. Will held him by his shoulder. "Wait here, okay?" He said as that familiar smile started decorating his face once again. Then he got up and ran down the dock to who knows where.

Being left alone, Nico once again drowned in his thought. Will had always made him forgotten about his worries. He had made Will his sole runaway from the doom of reality that awaits him. He had not realized that Will must have questions too— about his identity; about the reason he was here in the first place. He cannot hide it from him forever. Every day he had spent with Will; every crack of laughter and every curve of smile that they shared... It is only a very thin layer of ice that tries to hold back an impending flood. There's no use trying to prolong its existence. It'll eventually crack and everything will be ruined. Will will eventually know. Then he'll freak out. Then he'll leave. And Nico will be alone and miserable once again.

If only he could rewind everything. If only he was not himself. He wanted to love Will as much as he wants to, because it feels good to love him. It feels good to even be around him. But, at the end of the day, he is only his flawed, broken, and worthless self who does not belong anywhere.

Nico stared blankly at the body of water below.  _If only he can just disappear like the foam in the ocean._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Long minutes after that, Will came back with a guitar in his hand. His smile is bursting with happiness and pride.

Nico frowned, half-smiling, trying his best to cover up the overwhelming sadness that started to pool up within him. "Where did you even get  _that_?"

"I stashed them in the old cottage there." Will pointed out to the far end of the beach, smiling as if he had done something amazing. "I left it there the last time I went here."

"What? You don't mind if it got stolen?"

"Nobody came here when it's not summer. Plus, people in this city are too damn good to even thought of stealing."

Nico gave him a slight smile.

"I'll sing you a song!" Will exclaimed as he sat beside Nico again.

"Uh, you sure you can sing?"

“It may be hard to believe, but I'm better than most singers you see on TV nowadays." Will rolled his eyes as he adjusted his fingers on the strings of the  old-looking acoustic guitar. "You should be proud to have this chance, Neeks."

“Well, go on then.”

Nico waited and waited. It seems to take forever before Will finally started to sing, but when he does, the air turns into magic. Their surroundings blend into one entity of serenity made of his voice, the wind breeze, and the melody of his guitar.

" _And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
_Cause I know that you feel me somehow_  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_  
_And I don't wanna go home right now_

 _All can taste is this moment_  
_All I can breathe is your life_  
_When sooner or later it's over_  
_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

 _And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

 _And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am._ "

Will's voice is soft and sweet and drifting. Every line that he sang seems to color the scenery with his overflowing emotions. It's beautiful, he's beautiful, and Nico could feel himself falling deeper, but...

_‘When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am.’ _

No, Will must never know who he is.

Will sang another song, a more energetic one this time. When he finished, Nico asked him to sing yet another song.

Will sang and sang and sang.

And Nico is drowning and drowning and drowning.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

It is around twilight when Will decided it is past the time to go back. They had spent the day sitting at the dock until around midday as Will's voice danced in the cold air, interspersed by stupid lines of jokes and hysterious bursts of laughter. They spent the afternoon playing in the water –well at least Will does, Nico just sat there like a statue as the water soak his pants all the way to the bottom of his shirt. The water is freezing cold, but at that moment it doesn't even matter anymore.

They talked and laughed and played all day, like little kids making friends for the first time, and Nico is trying to hold back his tears the whole time, thinking this will be the last time they can go to the sea together. This will be the last time they do anything  meaningful together, because the reality cannot wait any longer. He had to face it now, before he gets more attached to Will, before the thin layer of ice cracked.

He had to be strong and end it all now, before it's too late.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

On their way back, Nico finally gave up. He can't do it anymore— can't hold back his tears anymore. He cried while being carried on Will’s back, clutching his hands to the back of Will's wet jacket, soaking it even more with his tears. The sun is low on the horizon and everything blurred around him, the tears hot against his cold cheek.  _He does not want to let go. He does not want to ever let go of Will, of everything that they've had._

"May I know why are you crying?" Will's voice is soft when he ask, full of worry and uncertainty. His hair fell damp on his neck, and he smells like salt.

 _It's you,_  Nico wanted to say.  _It is because of you._  But he shook his head instead, sinking his face deeper in the crook of Will's neck. "Do not ask me, please." His voice is weak and his trembling hands are clinging to Will's shoulder.

_He does not want to let go. But he must._

Will stayed silent as he walked, before finally muttering a soft, "Okay."

Nico breathed. He knew Will has thousands of questions in his mind right now. But Nico cannot answer him. He can never answer him.

"Sorry..." He stuttered through the sobs. "I'm sorry, Will.."

"It's alright." Will soothed him, though not knowing what he means. "It is alright, Neeks."

_It is not alright. It will never be._

The sun sets then, leaving the world with its last bit of shine, splashing the sky with purple and pink and oranges. It is a beautiful sight and Nico has no regrets.

_He will soon leave, too._

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks for following this mess of a story up until now. No matter how busy life gets, I really love writing this story and I want to be able to finish it, hopefully.
> 
> If you are wondering, the title of the song that Will sang in this chapter is 'Iris' by Goo Goo Dolls. It's been awhile since I listened to it and I just thought that the lyrics perfectly describes their situation. And some of you might have realized by now that Nico is suffering from PTSD. Just a clarification.
> 
> And hey, I have a question. Do you like sad endings? Please comment below about how you wish the story to end, maybe I'll take it into consideration (not like I'm ending it anytime soon, the story still has a long ass way to go).
> 
> Don't forget to leave a piece of your support! Kudos, comments, anything is like a vitamin to me. I love you :*


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